Of course, this brings me to the latest salvo in the Cultural Wars in America.  Sometimes more exciting than the Cola Wars, the Right and the Left's eternal struggle to right injustice, save the planet, and free humanity has caught a new target in its sights: The World Cup.

In the Right Corner, people gristle at any mention of the word 'football' that doesn't reference 'Dallas Cowboys', 'God' or 'The Frozen Tundra' (each of those phrases have been trademarked by the National Football League.  Usually, when clarification is made concerning non-USA football, a poor Spanish accent is used to derisively mock the word as a witty comeback at the faggy, traveled intellectual type using such term.

Within seconds of the mocking comeback, a litany of reasons detailing the manliness of the NFL cascades down - how hard men tackle, how tough the guys are, how big the men are, how tight the ends are, etc., etc., and then the attack on the flailing and flopping of 'ferrin' soccer players occurs.  Then, the overcompensation continues in a high pitched, effeminate voice, 'Oh, I hurt my shin, I'm going to lay on the ground now' blah blah blah.  Once the NFL fan's complete heterosexuality is revealed, along with the absolute truth of the superiority of the NFL, good ol' isolationism takes over.  Real Americans hate 'ferriners' and their countries, because there's no way they could be as good as the USA, so why should we care about that epic battle between Tunisia and Guatemala, we can bomb them both back into the Stone Age on our coffee break!  The hatred towards the sport ramps up with the mention of the thuggish English, flopping Italians, and hits its xenophobic pitch when France enters the equation.  Cue the white flags, Nazis marching under shade jokes, and even a Lance Armstrong joke or two.  And then there are ties.  Ties!!!

Beyond the knee jerk reactionism of the right, there really are some valid reasons the right doesn't like soccer.  It's not native to America, the best athletes in the sport play elsewhere, and the sports schedule in America is already full of football, baseball, basketball and hockey.  There really isn't that much attention in the country to go around.  The Right also resents any coverage on TV, radio or in print because its 'being forced down their throats' and takes away the American's God Given Right To Choose. (see the irony yet?)

OK, so that's a miserable portrait painted of the Right, but what about the Left?  Why does the Liberal Intelligentsia follow the World Cup with such a fervor?  Traditionally, the thinking class, Volvo driving, free range crowd isn't really seen around NASCAR tracks or tailgating football games, opting for a night at the opera instead.  I've always found it amazingly hilarious that the Austin Chronicle, spoonfeeding news to Austin's liberal mind for twenty nine years, has a Soccer Watch column stuck in the middle of the listings section every week.  Despite ninety percent of its readers ignoring its existence, it's a signifier for the lifestyle it's providing a service for.  The World Cup's first word is all you need to read why liberals love it so.  It's larger than America, it's anti-isolationism, its the 'let's talk, fight second' mentality that John Kerry proved to be so inept selling against George W. Bush.  Sports have never been the liberals forte.  Every story that comes out of some small town about a kids sports league not keeping score ends up increasing Rush Limbaugh's blood pressure 30 points.  No Republican is ever going to get blamed for saving the delicate snowflakes' egos.  The World Cup is the Left's chance to talk about sports and dominate the conversation over their lower thinking, pigskin loving counterparts.  They can spout off terms like Azzurri, pitch, clean sheet, and nil with a reckless abandon and explain to anyone within earshot the difference between England, Great Britain and the UK to display their cultured and enlightened lifestyle.  I guess its the familiarity of which these newfound soccer converts speak of the history of the game that disturbs me the most.  It's kinda like walking into a bar and seeing a bunch of folks clinking their glasses together and saying 'Cheers!'.  I believe its not an American's word to say, it belongs in England and Ireland.  The same works in reverse, no one would want to see a proper Englishman saying, 'word!'.  The quick study liberal support of soccer is the password into the secret society, but instead you've been indoctrinated into the nouveau riche, literally impressing your Old World buddies with your newfound knowledge.  Stop it.  It's annoying.

SIDE BAR So there's a few things I should mention about this little story.  I was a season ticket holder for three years to Boston's MLS team.  I tailgated, got drunk, and yelled at every opposing player with eight other friends.  It was a great time.  We were surrounded by little families, Mexicans, and lots of Soccer Moms and Dads.  They let us yell and get drunk, and we enjoyed a nice day outside drinking beer.  One of our favorite players to cheer on was a rookie named Rusty Pierce, who as it turns out, is the brother of my friend Scott, who runs effing press here in Austin.  I partied with 80,000 Irishmen when their country clinched a World Cup berth, and also witnessed a Celtic match in Glasgow, which was one of the most electric atmospheres for a sporting event I've witnessed.  I also impressed a Liverpool supporting co-worker during my time in Ireland when I came into work raving about another rookie who impressed me with his hard play and way he controlled the game.  The player I spotted?  Stephen Gerrard.  So take that, Football Lovers!

Those last lines go for both sides.  Soccer is not a worthless sport, and the World Cup is far from a worthless event.  But keep in mind soccer actually is just as worthless as football, baseball, curling, rugby, track and field, lacrosse and wrestling.  It's a diversion, a sport overrun by millions and millions and millions of dollars, and though it may not seem as manly as football, it may seem gay to not use your hands, and it just sounds stupid for an American to refer to the European nations by their nicknames, but the sport is just as valid.  It's got its own strategies, rhythms, intensity and demands for creativity.  I'll side with the Believers that playing ninety minutes of soccer is a grueling experience that you've got to be in top shape for.  Perhaps that's the reason great American players are goalkeepers.

Enjoy the World Cup.  Watch a game or two, or don't.  Don't complain either way, don't text me declaring soccer 'to be a true blue collar sport' and shame me into watching the next big match.  Just like politics, religion and every other belief system in the world, this too is just a game, so sit back, relax and don't get too appalled either way.  But whatever you do, don't ever root for England.  Ever. 

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