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| June, 2010 - Warning - this story is born out of my stubborn unwillingness to hunker down and buy a smart phone. My phone can only hold a hundred or so text messages on it, so after a night of back and forths over such meaningless topics as 80's sitcoms, bungled movie quotes, or stupid dating mistakes, the next day is spent sifting through the rift raft to clear up more space for incoming messages. Of course,
there are some stellar texts that always make me smile, so those linger on my phone a bit longer. Here's a look at some of what's risen to the top: |
Miscellaneous texts/Newsflashes:
7/1/09 12:58pm - Was Elvis Presley the original wigger? 7/8/09 11:10am - By ocean about to go on quazi-date w/ a young Charleston quarterback that I made out with on a plane in march..... 7/22/09 11:18am - 360 just had its first jumper 8/14/09 7:34pm - It just might be a lunatic you're looking for. 9/6/09 11:11pm - You usually are not wrong, just an ass about being right 1/1/10 12:00am - I will be in Austin in 2 0 1 0
Received after a misguided and well publicized attempt to run a mile in under eight minutes:
2/18 - Never Forget (If you did, it's when that dumbass crashed his plane into the IRS building)
2/18/10 2:10 pm - The Really White Vigilante isn't a pilot, is he? 2/18/10 9:04 pm - Maybe the RWV could drive his car into a Starbucks
Oral mishaps: I can't swallow pills, and it's started to affect people around me, especially the story of the day I took a fish oil pill. The second text has been duly noted for posterity.
2/22/10 10:32pm - Just tried taking my fish oil pill for today and almost choked bc I started laughing so hard when I went to swallow it 3/6/10 9:38pm - Threw up at a wal mart today. Add that to your facts about me.
On Oscar night, I received three text messages congratulating me on winning an Oscar for 'Up'. Apparently, Peter Docter (his real name!) is a non-bespectled doppelganger of mine. Also happening that night: a feigned pride and interest in Sandra 'Sandy' Bullock winning an Oscar for the most manipulative movie made since 'Forest Gump'. I sent texts to close friends predicting a 'Big
Sandy Win', obviously pushing all the right buttons:
Parental Advice comes in all shapes and forms, and one day, I may even use some of it:
3/9/10 9:47pm - XXX to XXX's son, who was crying: The butter melted into your toast son. That's how we eat it in the United states. Its how they eat it in europe. Its how 3/9/10 9:47pm - its eaten all over the God damn world.
Sometimes, friends with smartphones provide important details for future projects:
South By South West
3/16/10 9:02pm - I just saw my first puking hipster and its not even Sxsw yet. Texts sent to myself, quoting the musical genius that is Oh, Beast!:
"No we just look at each other and remember"
"If you believe in winning, we're taking you to win right now."
"This is about how much fun you'll have this week. Then it'll be over. Then you can remember." 3/18/10 9:42pm - Bill Murray mussed up my hair
Friends feel free to comment on my dating decisions
"Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."
A belated birthday present from a friend who has the uncanny ability to always prove me wrong:
More texts:
4/30/10 10:50am - Isn't the worst always yet to come??? 5/3/10 12:02am - Classic line indeed. It's almost as good as when Stallone yells at the end of Rocky. Yo Stella!!! 5/3/10 1:56pm - These are not robots, please quit asking about my robots. 5/5/10 1:18pm - Momma always said, life is like a Thai prostitute, you never know what your gonna get.
After spreading word about the tuition of my alma mater topping a ridiculous $30,000 a year!
Advice from friends flows freely, and hurts the most when it comes back and scores a direct hit.
5/14/10 10:38pm - Sometimes it seems like you are waiting for your real life to start. Good luck. 5/14/10 10:45pm - Every insane person is worth a shot, you taught me that.
Of course, there's always the slings and arrows tossed my way to make me cringe and laugh:
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