THINGS I FIND BOTHERSOME

So, to help them out, here's a rather incomplete list of things that drive me crazy.  I know I'm leaving some big ones off of here, but I'm sober right now and can't remember everything.

• The English
  I grew up surrounded by the battlegrounds of the Revolutionary War, and scarred by the fact America never retaliated after the English burnt down the White House in 1812.  I fell out of my chair when I found out the English were our allies during both World Wars.  After visiting England a few times, and calling Ireland home for a year, my resentment of all things English has been solidified permanently.
• NASA
  Is there a bigger waste of tax dollars in the country?  The scientists at NASA are attention starved PR specialists, who routinely blow up rockets and people due to icy foam, interchanging the Metric and Imperial Systems, and hand the American people a tab of $400 million dollars to pick up the pieces of their exploded shuttle from the wilds of East Texas.  Sell them and their weapons systems and spy satellites to Boeing and get it done with.
• Cellphones
  Blah blah blah.  When did so many people in the world have so little to say in front of so many other people wherever they please?  Why do people have to be available to talk to everywhere they go?  Is any personal conversation that important it needs to be spoken in public?  Ever be in the middle of a convers... "oh hey, what's going on, oh nothing, i'm just hanging out.  tonight?  sure, that sounds cool, no i didn't, what did he say? really? wait, you're breaking up..."
• Baby Boomers
  You have to love the generation that started with big dreams and ideals in the Sixties, surrendered them in the Seventies, became cutthroat economic me-first adults in the Eighties, screwed up the world's economy, America's banking system, and the environment while laughing at their disillusioned and drugged up Ritalin kids in the Nineties, and then decide to start a new Middle East War with no end in sight, retire and eat up all of social security while leaving the world on the verge of environmental collapse and our education system in shambles.  Thanks!!!
• Squirrels
  These animals are not cute, they are not friendly and they are not meant to co-exist with people.
• Weathermen
  America is the land of hyperbole, but why do these fat men in bad suits have to dramatize light rainfall as the beginning of the Apocalypse every single night?  "It's going to be hot, it's going to be cold, sorry I missed that forecast" - do weathermen even have a GED?  The best is when these schmucks and the second and third tier reporters get sent to where the bad weather is happening, usually in a bright yellow rain coat or a heavy parka and report back, "Yes, as you can see, the snow is falling rapidly at this point, and it is (wind gust) very, very cold right now"
• Heat Index and Wind Chill
  On a related note, don't start telling me even though its 92 outside it feels like 116, the temperature is the temperature, if its cold its cold, if its hot, its hot.  We understand, and no fancy term is going to make me watch the evening news no matter how much hotter or colder you say it is outside.
• The Olympics
  Even though the Winter Games were tolerable until the Americans made snowboarding a sport, the interest, athletes, and the amount of money spent, along with the ridiculous games cities play to win the right to host them amounts to nothing more than a noble idea gone horribly wrong.
• Eggs
  Luckily, I've only had the experience of eating an egg once in my life.  I found the experience disgusting in every way - slimy, gross and taste like fat.  I don't understand how people can eat these things knowing they are aborted fetuses.
• Bacon
  Pigs are dirty animals, and bacon is the fattest, greasiest, smelliest sin man can ever commit against breakfast.  I can't lie anymore.
• Coffee
  The legal drug.  Even though I regularly drank a couple cups at breakfast up until the time I stopped waking up for breakfast (twelve), I can't get past the smell these days, nor people's sad addiction to this horrible drink.  It actually makes me a bit sad to see people actually need a cup to get going.  Don't get me started on the fancy varieties, fancy names, or the
• Baristas
  When the hell did people who work at a coffee shop pick up a title like that?  When you started paying five dollars for your mocha latté double cappuccino express grande, that's when.  You sucker!!  You probably tipped them too!
• Weird Bicycles
  I shouldn't hate anybody who rides a bike instead of a car, but I can't stand to see those weird folks riding weird bicycles - you know, where they are sitting down inches off the ground pedaling with a rear view mirror on their helmet, with some sort of ergonomic bike built by some hippie scientist who dedicated his life to making a better bicycle instead of a hydrogen powered car or something.
• The month of February
  I know, it's the shortest month, but growing up in New England, February is unbearable.  It was dark by 3pm, cold, snowy, and when you would finally get over the fact you haven't seen the sun in four and a half months, you got even more depressed knowing you had another six weeks of icy cold to deal with.  Ah, the pleasantries of February.
• Pills
  Granted, some pills are invaluable to people's health.  But America has taken to the Drug Company's endless line of cure-alls like a fish to water.  Instead of correcting diets, getting exercise and figuring about what may be causing your depression and doing something about it, people believe there's a solution you can swallow available with the correct prescription.  It's all a mute point anyway, because I can't swallow them anyway.
• Attention Deficit Disorder
  Is there any bigger fraud of a disease than this handy catch all for lazy parents and teachers to diagnose?  Why can't kids run around anymore?  What if little Johnny is just genuinely stupid?  Is Ritalin one of the main reasons American kids are so fat and retarded these days? 
• Bruce Jenner and Doug Henning
  The underrated seventies produced lots of great things for such a misshapen decade - olive green, the Bad News Bears, Archie Bunker, the Match Game all among the highlights - but these two creatures always have freaked me out. 
• Boston, Massachusetts
  Is there a city in the world more provincial, corrupt, backwards, close minded and deserving of both Ted Kennedy and the Big Dig?   
• Beef Stew
  I even hated beef stew as a child.  It always bewildered me why anyone would cook a piece of meat in water, and fill it with carrots, potatoes and a slew of other stuff until it all turns soggy and moist, instead of taking the time to cook everything right so it turns out tasting good. 
• Christians who are not Catholic or Lutheran
  Is there a more annoying brand of 'Christianity' than the folks who couldn't hang with the Church so they broke off because they wanted a divorce, the opportunity to speak in tongues, dance with snakes, and hold up the progress of science by debating the existence of dinosaurs?  Catholicism may have its many faults, most correctly pointed out by Martin Luther waaay back in 1517, but Lutherans and Catholics are way more rounded, educated and down to earth than their 'Christian' counterparts, and they generally don't stand on street corners yelling at you to repent or die.
• Atheists
  OK, I get it - you don't believe in God.  Cool, I understand and can accept that, I'm not crazy religious either, so don't worry about it.  So why do you care so much that some people do that you have your own cable access shows laughing at Christians and can't tolerate a simple 'Merry Christmas' for a holiday for something you don't believe in?  Just pretend Christians are pagans with their pine trees and colored eggs, laugh to yourself and carry on, thanks.
• Cirque du Soleil
  Some people get art.  Some people don't.  Cirque du Soleil was created specifically for people who don't, but think they do, yet don't.
• Fleetwood Mac, Rush, the Beach Boys, and the Eagles
  All of these bands dredge up horrible sensations in the pit of my stomach when I hear them.  From Clinton's campaign theme song, to Rush's singer's voice to the banal fluff of the Beach Boys to the annoying somberness of the Eagles, I can't stand any of these bands in the least.
• The U.S. Mint
  Following America's preoccupation with turning everything into a marketing gimmick, even the Mint has redesigned the dollar coin a few times, released the fifty American state quarters, and now have about seventeen varieties of nickels.  How rich do you have to be to sit around and collect coins anyway???
• ET
  I hated the movie the only time I saw it, as a tender 8 year old.  Added to my dismay over the entire world loving the film, I developed a physical repulsion to ET - his pasty skin, bug eyes, long neck, chubby belly, everything.  To this day, seeing that creature makes my stomach turn.  Honest.

+  VOLUME TWO: PRESALE
buy the second Really White Vigilante today!
+  VOLUME TWO: THE REALLY WHITE VIGILANTE
an in depth look at the next book in the series
+  BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN
the long awaited return to my painting studio
+  NORTH(EAST)ERN EXPOSURE
my two month sabbatical in the North
+  UPDATED ART SECTION
a new list of art related stories over the years
+  UPDATED PORTFOLIO SECTION
cleaner format to look at available art
+  AUSTIN CRITICS' TABLE AWARDS
a surprise nomination, win, and a speech or two
+  IRON MAN AND MY IGNORANCE
my trouble with Hollywood continues
+  A TRIP TO KANSAS CITY
Thanksgiving with friends and the cold

MY COMIC BOOK SIDE PROJECT:
TALES OF THE REALLY WHITE VIGILANTE the satiric tale of one young man's attempts to stop the gentrification of East Austin by becoming a superhero in a Mexican wrestling mask. Volumes One and Two of this four part story are now available.

GALLERY

see the complete gallery here